Implantation Bleeding

19 Jun

This morning I woke up and had a little blood.

I missed my last period, am currently ovulating and I’ve had a little light bleeding this morning. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m nervous that it might just be my period. But I suspect it’s implantation/breakthrough bleeding.

Time will tell…

Advertisements

Pregnancy and Depression – Self Care and Neglect

18 Jun

I have a problem with looking after myself. I don’t know where it stems from, I was never lazy about brushing my teeth and scrubbing behind my ears as a child. I guess it’s a symptom of depression. In the mornings, I feel reluctant to get out of bed, just because choosing what to wear might be difficult. Then there’s washing my face.

I like to get a baby wipe immersed in warm water and give my face a good wetting, then use foaming face wash and give my face a good scrub. Then I rinse my face four or five times. Afterwards I dry my fingers and dab on toner, then massage in moisturiser. I love my routine, but I only do it about four times out of fourteen. I hate having a greasy face and I feel so dirty. It’s crazy that I can write this much about neglecting myself but I haven’t brushed my teeth this morning, it was too much of a mountain. I have naturally very good teeth, they’re quite white, so I feel I don’t particularly have to. My face routine makes me feel so good about myself, so fresh and clean. Why do I find it “hard”?

When I’m pregnant, I won’t just be me anymore, I’ll be two. When I don’t drink enough, I’ll be not drinking enough for two. And when I over eat, I’ll be damaging someone else’s body. And self harm. I plan not to self harm when I’m pregnant.

I’ve done some research into dental health and pregnancy and its really important to look after your gums. My gums sometimes bleed when I’ve not done my teeth for a while. Goodness me, I’ve got to make so, so many changes. I will have to take care of myself while I’m pregnant so that my unborn child is healthy. I’ll have to take care of myself when I have given birth to be a good role model to my baby. And there are so many ways in which I’ll have to take care of the baby.

It probably sounds ridiculous to anyone reading and I am honestly embarrassed to be admitting all of this but I feel that I have to. If I admit this here and now, I think it will help me change.

When my husband had cancer, the little things like this didn’t really matter, I didn’t neglect myself because doing a bit of self care was obviously necessary and blended in with all the other things I had to do. Living in a series of processes was so easy, since I was taking every day as it came and every hour by hour. So that’s why I think I’ll be able to manage, on a basic level at least, to maintain a good level of self care during and after pregnancy.

Then, hopefully, I will continue to look after myself. Because I will be my baby’s role model and I really want to be a positive person for my baby.

I have BPD – Will I Be A Bad Mum?

16 Jun

I’m not worried that I won’t be a good mother. I have a sort of trust in myself, a secret pool of confidence that I have reserved just for my unborn baby. No, I don’t believe I’ll be perfect, I don’t believe there is such a thing as a perfect parent. But I know I’m going to be a good mum.

I recently read parts of an article that warned that borderline personality disorder is transferable between mother and child. I don’t think that my children will definitely inherit my disorder. Of course, I hope they don’t. But if they do, I’ll need maturity to support them and teach them to control their impulses. I should put my energies (and I have a lot of energy) into being a good role model. And I ought to start now.

If my children do inherit my disorder, one positive is that I have been through something similar. I have prior knowledge. I daresay that my knowledge of the situation will help me cope better than my parents coped when they found out I had mental health issues.

One of my biggest fears is that my child will one day begin to self harm. If they see my scars – an eventual inevitability – what will that do to them? Only time will tell. That is one of my biggest fears as a mother. My plan is to calmly explain that it’s wrong and that I’m very sorry.

My parents were very secretive about my dad’s mental illness which made things very hard at 14/15/16… 17/18… etc. I plan to be honest and up front about my illness, in hopes that my child can understand or have a better understanding than I did at that age.

I am not my mother, I am not my father, I am not my illness. I am a loving, caring, nurturing, motherly, strong woman. I am strong, perhaps in a different way than most people would understand the word. I have come through so much and survived. I am a survivor.

My plan is to look into Dialectal Behavioural Therapy. A lot of people have been talking about it and recommending it to me.

Preparing for Pregnancy – Emotionally and Physically

16 Jun

I’ve been making some changes to my diet and trying to improve my general health, by eating more healthily, quitting smoking, drinking only 2 cups of coffee a day and taking up yoga again. We have also both started taking prenatal vitamin tablets. Yesterday I managed a short walk down to the end of the road, a total walk of about 15 minutes with my husband and dog.

Today is father’s day. I said to my husband “This could be the last father’s day that you don’t get a present!” He liked that and gave me a big hug. My Dad smiled and laughed too. But Mum got all serious. She started by saying “Look guys, I want to talk to you…” a sign that she’s in a bossy mood. She started asking questions about how I’m going to cope with walking a kid to school and saying she wouldn’t be able to do it for me, not every day. And would I go to teacher’s meetings etc.

To be honest, when she’s bolshie I tend to drown her out with my own thoughts. I won’t let her walk all over me with her negativity. I realise that she is only asking sensible questions though. Alex mentioned breakfast club, which might be the answer to that one, but there are all sort of questions that could pop up about my parenting skills in relation to my lack of other life skills.

The main thing is: I am not going to be a bad mother. I am a nurturer, a lover, a carer, a grower. I will love my child more than I love myself. In reply, I said “Mum, I can’t not have a kid just because I’m agoraphobic”. Maybe that wasn’t the most mature approach to her question. I feel quite young right now. And immature. Probably because I am a 24 year old woman seeking her parents approval to have children.

She already infers that I am a bad dog owner, because Ollie doesn’t get walked regularly. Something that upsets me is that Mum is willing to walk her dog every day for her hip problem, but she wouldn’t be willing to walk her grandchild to nursery/school. I know there are differences, but I feel as though she’s being selfish…

This morning before my shower I was looking in the mirror at my boobs and it seems my areolas have grown. They haven’t gotten darker, as some women’s do which is a sign of pregnancy. I’m feeling some of the symptoms of early on signs, but most likely it’s all in my head.

Kicking My Diagnosis In The Balls

13 Jun

As I’ve stated before, I’m not happy with being diagnosed with BPD. The criteria seem more like a list of insults. Sufferers are accused of manipulative, childlike behaviour who consistently fail to regulate their emotions. How on earth did I end up with this plaque of shame around my neck, because that description is just not me.

In fact, borderline personality disorder is based on a deviation from what is clinically understood to be a “healthy personality”. Who decides what is a healthy personality? Why should we trust their judgement?

God made me as he wanted me to be. I’m not broken, distorted, I’m not an anomaly to be prodded and poked by psychiatrists, I’m unique, beautiful, brilliant, creative and loved. I was planned to be exactly the way I am.

I reject BPD and it’s many failings.

Do I Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

12 Jun

Below is a set of questions I have written, taken from the guidelines of the DSM iV and the ICD for borderline personality disorder. It is a simple self test and there is no result, but it might help you to read through and answer the questions if you think you might have bpd. Feel free to answer the questions yourself in the comments box below.

 

 

Are my relationships been characterised by instability?

Do I have a negative self image?

Do I have healthy social interactions?

Do I have fluctuating moods or feelings?

Can my relationships be defined as shallow?

Do I have impulsive behaviours?

Do I avoid real or imagined abandonment?

Do I have unstable and intense relationships?

Do I alternate between extremes of idealization and devaluation in my relationships?

Do I have an unstable self-image or sense of self?

Am I impulsive with spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving or binge eating?

Do I self harm, threaten or attempt suicide?

Am I self destructive?

Do I have mood swings?

Do I feel empty?

Do I feel inappropriate, intense anger that I have difficulty in controlling?

Do I have stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms?

Do I act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences

Is my mood unpredictable and capricious?

Am I liable to outbursts of emotion?

Am I incapable of controlling behavioural explosions?

Do I tend to argue and have conflicts with others?

My Answers

Are my relationships been characterised by instability? No, I have firm relationships. I have one or two instable relationships, but the majority of my friendships and my relationships with my family are very strong. I don’t like “weak” friendships and I prefer not to be friends with a person unless I am very close to them and we share an intimacy.

Do I have a negative self image? Yes. I find that the way in which I see myself makes it harder for me to leave the house because I think other people will laugh at me or mock me.

Do I have healthy social interactions? I don’t have enough interactions because of my agoraphobia and social anxiety. When I do interact with people I’m often painfully shy and can’t think of anything to say

Do I have fluctuating moods or feelings? Yes, almost all of the time. I’m either way up or way down

Can my relationships be defined as shallow? I dislike shallow relationships and tend to cut people off if I can’t find a meaningful connection with them

Do I have impulsive behaviors? Yes, very much so

Do I avoid real or imagined abandonment? Absolutely. I am petrified of abandonment.

Do I have unstable and intense relationships? My relationships are unstable with people I don’t know very well. I am a very intense person.

Do I alternate between extremes of idealization and devaluation in my relationships? Yes, definitely.

Do I have an unstable self-image or sense of self? Yes. I have just recently reinvented my style and bought myself a whole new wardrobe and re-coloured my hair. I change my style between extremes at least once a year and I always dye my hair random colours (From black to red to blonde to red to pink etc.)

Am I impulsive with spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving or binge eating? I am impulsive with spending. I have periods of hyper-intense sexuality. I smoke. I binge eat.

Do I self harm, threaten or attempt suicide? Yes

Am I self destructive? Yes, and I constantly self sabotage

Do I have mood swings? Daily/hourly

Do I feel empty? No, I feel quite fulfilled. I’ve usually got a positive outlook

Do I feel inappropriate, intense anger that I have difficulty in controlling?  Sometimes, but it’s usually myself that I lash out at.

Do I have stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms? Yes. My current paranoia is that someone is poisoning my drinks because I keep tasting a chemical and there is white residue in my cup. It’s creepy as hell. It’s likely that I am hallucinating the taste. I also hallucinate smells and sometimes have audible and visual hallucinations. I get these less now I’m taking abilify.

Do I act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences Yes, frequently

Is my mood unpredictable and capricious? Yes

Am I liable to outbursts of emotion? I hate to admit it because I want to be strong, but yes

Am I incapable of controlling behavioural explosions? Sometimes

Do I tend to argue and have conflicts with others? No, I rarely argue with anyone

 

How Do You Know If You Have Borderline Personality Disorder

12 Jun

The best way to know if you have borderline personality disorder is to seek a diagnosis from a psychiatric health professional, preferably a psychiatrist. You may not trust or believe the diagnosis, you may have some doubts. If this is true of you, I recommend taking a look at the diagnostic criteria for BPD. There are two sets of diagnostic criteria that psychiatrists refer to when making a diagnosis, the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and the ICD (International Classification of Diseases).

The DSM IV (fourth edition)

According to the DSM IV, “A person who suffers from borderline personality disorder has labile interpersonal relationships characterised by instability”. This pattern of interacting with others will have persisted for years, and is usually closely related to the individual’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (i.e. not just at work or home), and is often accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuation back and forth, often in a quick manner) in a person’s affect (mood) or feelings. Relationships and the person’s affect may often be characterised as shallow. A person with this disorder may also exhibit impulsive behaviours and exhibit a majority of the following symptoms:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternation between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance – markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving or binge-eating.

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood, e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety, which usually lasts for between a few hours and several days.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate, intense anger, or difficulty controlling anger, e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger or recurrent physical fights.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Anyone with six or more of the above traits and symptoms may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the traits must be long-standing (pervasive), and there must be no better explanation for them, e.g. physical illness, a different mental illness or substance misuse.

ICD

The ICD also provides a description of BPD. The ICD 10 calls the disorder by its European name – ‘emotionally unstable personality disorder’. The ICD describe BPD as a:

“Personality disorder characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable and capricious. There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour, including suicide gestures and attempts.”

If you can relate to six or more of the DSM criteria or the ICD criteria and have not yet sought help from psychiatric health professionals, I encourage you to  do so. If you feel that you need to talk about any of the issues listed above, please make contact with your doctor.